The Love of Students

How do you yell at someone that you love? I do it to my son all the time, but somehow that feels more natural. But when I yell at my students I worry that they don't know that I love them. My son knows, my son is a child and knows a parent's love completely and without doubt. But an adult doesn't love like a child loves, and they confuse anger and yelling for a lack of love. I love my son unconditionally so when I yell at him I'm never filled with doubt. I know it isn't my ego involved, but just a genuine and pure love. But when I yell at my students my heart doesn't feel so free. I worry that it's my ego and not my pure heart that's directing me. But I love my students, and I need to see them grow, so I yell at them and correct them and I worry that they don't know that I love them. 

An Interesting Problem

Maybe problem is the wrong word. Tonight a picture fell off the wall at the dojo, and it's plate glass shattered all over the entryway hall. The wind was howling through the dojo tonight, and just as we were bowing out we heard this smash.  After class I went out and started cleaning up the mess, and somehow I made it through the entire process without being asked once if I needed help.  Of course I don't mind cleaning up broken glass, I built the dojo I can certainly clean it up, but as I was cleaning up I was remembering my teacher, and how I would have never been able to just back idly as he cleaned something up. I was proud for all of a second as I told myself that they've never been trained to "scrape." I've never encouraged them in this way and in a way it's a good thing. But I couldn't help feeling a little empty knowing that they had no idea this was impolite to let their teacher clean this mess up.  And then as I thought about it further I felt even emptier knowing that I had to tell them what to do. I knew that the dojo had to change, and that I was the unfortunate facilitator of that change. 

Change

I wonder why change is so disruptive and so invigorating at the same time. I was thinking last night that change is like stirring a giant pot of stew. You look into the pot and it looks a certain way, but then when you mix it up you see all different kinds of things that you hadn't seen for a while. If you continuously stir then the thing won't cook, but if you leave it too long then it burns. 

I seem to have a tendency to let it sit for too long, and for some reason I get very hesitant to stir. Once I do I see the burnt bits that sat for too long and also all the amazing things that I put in the stew in the first place. I'm both exhilarated to be cooking, and disappointed that I let it sit for so long. I tell my self that this time it will be different, this time I'll be attentive to the stew, but somehow it slips out of my consciousness. I smell it burning but I don't do anything about it. I see it burning and I don't do anything about it until finally something stirs me into action. Then I'm invigorated by the change and angry that I wasn't more attentive and I vow that this time I'll be more attentive, and thus begins the cycle anew. I'd like to keep my stew in my mind and stir it when it needs to be stirred. I'd like to be able to attend to things in their right time. 

Earth Day?

So this is kind of an unrelated post, but I wanted to write something about it. Yesterday was Earthday, a day that we presumably are aware of how we treat the earth, and this is something that I am all for. However, one of my college students came into class yesterday with a flyer and speeches about how we should take care of the earth. All of which I agree with, but then she proceeded to mock and terrorize one of her classmates. This of course is their relationship, and they are still immersed in a kind of pecking order and hierarchy where it's okay to ridicule those lower than you. So I lectured them, and then I thought I'd talk here, about something kind of ironic in Earthday.  

What I find ironic is that we are horrible to each other, we are cruel and rude and have no compassion for other humans, but we want to spend a full day taking care of the earth. What I thought would be better is if we have Peopleday. A day dedicated to how we treat each others. A full day where we don't push in front of others, where we don't try and make a buck off someone, where we go out of our way to help some other person. Granted, I agree the earth should be cared for by us, but I also think that we need to care for each other and in many ways I think this is even more important. 

Now here is my lecture, I'll try and make it brief.  Caring for others is a reflection of how we care for ourselves. If we practicing loving ourselves, then we find it easier to love people around us. If we love ourselves then we don't seek to destroy the world, we see the value of the earth, we see the value of others because we so highly value ourselves. So really what I'd like to see, and I had no idea I was such a hippie, is something called Selfloveday. Okay, that even made me a little sick, but I like the idea. If we love ourselves then we love the thing which sustains us, the earth. 

So although I'm all for the environment, I can't help seeing it as a reflection of ourselves. We pump ourselves full of toxins and chemicals because we don't value ourselves in any way. When we can start valuing ourselves then we don't have to worry about the earth, because we will recognize important it is to us. Selfloveday, I think I like it. 

Pain

 I often ask myself how much pain is good and how much pain is bad. This probably seems like something that's likely instinctual in most people, but as I've studied this subject I do often wonder about it. What leads me to thinking about it is the inevitable pain associated with Aikido.  Pain exists on many levels, and somehow Aikido seems to exploit them all.  What I've noticed over the years is how unwilling many people are to experience any pain at all.  This could be seen as hugely sensible, but I'm not so sure. 

What I am sure about is that anything of substance that I've accomplished in my life had pain of some kind associated with it. One could argue that graduating high school or college in a way is just an ability to endure pain. Certainly there are those classes that we love, but in general the amount of work involved is sometimes tedious, the classes themselves can be dull and often it's really just about enduring. Aikido is no different. You keep going, you keep training, and at the end you accomplish something, whatever your personal goal may be. 

 

There is physical pain associated with Aikido training and there is also emotional pain; both of which people tend to run from. Physically I think we get it, but emotional pain is different. Sometimes it's as mundane as a plateau. Everyone who trains in any physical activity reaches moments where they feel they aren't improving. This is frustrating and painful in ways, and I've seen many people quit at this moment. For the life of me I can't understand why. I mean, of course I get it but I wonder what someone hopes to accomplish by quitting. Nothing of substance has ever been accomplished by quitting a thing, yet it seems that it's something we happen to be very, very good at.  

Although I've chosen Aikido, I think studying anything, focusing on it, pushing yourself to accomplish some goal and then actually accomplishing it is a hugely important component to life training. This is a skill that helps us in many, many ways and I worry that we've become too conditioned to giving up at the slightest resistance. Is this true? Do we run the minute a thing offers us some push back? I think this is likely putting it too strongly, but this has been my experience. 

However, taking on needless pain is called self-abuse, so there must be some line between an acceptable amount of pain that will help us grow, and too much pain that will tear us down. Pain frightens people, so at the slightest touch they recoil, but they haven't come anywhere close to going too far. I don't suggest trying to go too far, that isn't my point, but the first sensation of pain is likely not enough to cause any harm (of course, depending on what we are talking about). But in general, in terms of life pain, my suggestion is to try enduring; patient endurance as Herman Hesse told us in Siddhartha. 

Be okay with some pain, push a little bit against personal limitation in order to see what lies beyond that initial limit. Be brave and have faith and confidence in yourself that you'll know when it's time to pull back. Timidity, hesitation, these are the things that limit me and that limit all of us. Again, over exuberance and mindlessness lead us to undue pain, but people who posses these traits are rare.  

The point isn't to just be in pain for the sake of it, but to learn to push through personal limitations. Whatever the goal might be, whatever a person wants to accomplish in their life will not be accomplished without some ability to endure. No great success story starts off with, "it was pretty easy, I guess." At least I haven't heard this story and if I did it wouldn't move me in any way.  We like underdog stories, we like stories about the little guy rising up to meet and overcome challenges. In writing we say there are three types of conflict, man versus man, man versus nature and man versus society. In any of these types of conflict there is always, without exception, pain. We cannot avoid pain, it is part of our human condition, so it's my opinion that we need to train ourselves in how we manage pain, resolve pain, and in how we understand our own and others pain. We do this, at least in terms of a metaphor, by practicing endurance. By allowing pain to be what it is, and continue on in our lives is one way in which we can improve ourselves and not giving up at each new iteration. 

I've been training martial arts fairly actively for almost twenty years now, and I promise you there have been infinite moments where I want to quit. I may still quit, I don't know, but I haven't yet and because of that I feel as if I've accomplished something.  Maybe nothing that great, but I've endured, I know I can endure, and this feels like an accomplishment to me. I also leaped out of a marriage after only a few years, so I do realize we all have our times when we can endure and when we can't, but, the point is to recognize pain for what it is and practice not allowing that pain to limit us.  

Although I don't think we need to go back to this mind set of thinking that asking for help is weakness, I do think we could use a little bit of fortitude. Once again my quick post has gotten out of control so I'll revisit this at some other point. 

Manners in a Dojo

Although most dojos have a list of rule of etiquette for their dojo, I wanted to put up something broader reaching then just a list of do's and don'ts.  Certainly, the list of physical acts is vital to how an Aikido dojo works, but there is more to it then just that. There are rules of behavior that we were taught as children, but that somehow we forget as we get older. I realize that this might seem too parochial for most, but to me it underscores much of what we do. 

If you go to a dojo for the first time, introduce yourself to the instructor and ask if it's okay to watch a class or to participate. Follow along the best you can, remember to be humble at all times, and then after class be sure to say thank you to the instructor for letting you train. 

Although most dojos have a mat fee prearranged, other's don't. However, just because there isn't a mat fee per se, does not me that you shouldn't make a donation or in some way contribute to the dojo. My standard is $20 per day when I train at another dojo, but I realize that it's different for everyone. The point is, that even if they say there is no mat fee, you should still do your best to make a donation to the dojo. This is just polite, this reveals your good intention and your understanding and appreciation for both Aikido and for the dojo. Aikido schools don't always run like a western business, so sometimes we have to think more on a personal level. 

Remember that the instructor of the school is a human being, and responds to the same things all human beings respond to. My teacher use to get very upset because every time he came into the dojo no one would say hello to him.  Everyone would just hide their eyes and pretend like he wasn't there. I understand that they did this because so many of us held him in such high regard, but to hold someone in such high esteem that you're actually rude to them makes no sense at all. It's great to value your teacher and respect your teacher, but not at the cost of some very basic social conventions. Say hello, say good bye, and say thank you; all fairly reasonable stuff. 

When you go into a dojo and the instructor comes out to meet you, be sure to stand up.  Standing up, saying hello and introducing your self are social standards that transcend either wester or eastern conventions. Perhaps several hundred years ago it would be more polite to do a kneeling bow, but today that doesn't really work. In the west we tend to shake hands with people we meet for the first time; am I saying something new? 

I say much of this because this is what I have experienced at my dojo. To be totally honest with you, social conventions have never been that high on my list of things to do, but now seeing them from the other side I'm starting to see why they are there. It does reveal something about a person's character how they greet you, how they present themselves, and how aware they are of being socially civil. I realize that this makes me wildly old fashioned, but on some level I guess I like social conventions. This certainly isn't only at Aikido schools, but I've noticed this complete lack of civility in regular life. 

On a fairly regular basis I hold a door open for someone and they don't say anything at all. I often wonder about this. For me, and maybe I'm too sensitive to these things, if someone pauses even for a second to hold a door open for me I'm hugely grateful and take a moment to say so. I don't scrape their feet, I say thank you, but so many of us don't do this.  It's clear that we have stopped teaching our selves, and therefore our children, what it means to behave well. This just one example in many that demonstrate how crude, in a way, we have become. We have let ourselves become uncivilized in many, many ways and this shows up in real time in our daily lives. 

I don't mean to suggest that stifling social codes and mores are a great thing either, but why throw the baby out with the bath water? Can't we maintain social conventions without becoming oppressive or repressive? In my dojo there are many rules of behavior and conduct, but in no way do they repress the creative process of Aikido.  It is certainly not individualistic in the sense that everyone gets to interpret civility in their own way, but at the same time it isn't communistic in the sense they everyone must express themselves exactly the same way.  The dojo is both free and controlled, open and confined, regulated and infinitely interpretable and this, to me, makes a good social system. 

The point is, exercise good manners in the dojo. 

Kyu Tests

Yesterday we had kyu tests at Woburn Aikido, and I have to admit that I was hugely impressed by everyone's effort. I've been studying martial arts for a number of years, and I've seen all variety of tests. Unfortunately, what seems to be more common than not is that tests are poor, lack any clarity and do not show a rigorous attention to detail. I would say, hopefully without sounding too proud, that these tests showed all of these important traits. 

I'm really not sure how it happened. All I know was that about a month ago after every class I kept hearing bodies falling on the mat. I'd poke my head out of my office and there were my students training away. And then I'd get emails asking to use the dojo on a Sunday (our one day off) in order to practice for tests. I don't remember saying anyone should do this, I don't think I ever suggested that they should come in for extra training, yet there they were practicing away. 

What truly impressed me was how confident everyone was in their techniques. I can be a demanding teacher, and at times I turn the heat up on my students to see how they respond. Not once, not even for a second did any of them get rattled. There I was yelling that they weren't doing technique right, and they just kept plugging along, doing what they practiced, and executing good, clean technique. This to me shows how diligently they practiced for their tests. 

There have been many tests that I've seen over the years that completely and entirely fall apart when one small thing goes wrong. It has the feeling like a carefully constructed model where each piece is precariously balanced on the next. One small rattle, one slight bump and the whole thing falls apart. This is not how to prepare for a test. It shouldn't feel like a balancing act, or like an act at all. The techniques should be practiced and analyzed in a way where they become a part of the student. Certainly, over time they improve and change, but they become the foundation for everything else.  So when building this model, give it a shake from time to time during the building process and see what falls off. Put more glue, attach it in a better way and then give it another good shake. My job as a teacher and as a tester is to shake this model to see how well built it is. 

What worries me is that teachers stop shaking the model (I hope this metaphor is working) because it upsets people to see this thing fall apart.  Of course by test day the instructor should already know how strong the model is so when they give it a good shake is doesn't in fact fall apart, but it doesn't fall apart because he or she has been testing it all along, shaking it for months and letting things fall off as they will. So teachers don't want to upset their students and this I understand, but a test, THE test is just the last stop in a series of tests that should be happening. 

Also, I hear people say to me that "it's only 5th kyu;" 5th kyu is our very first test that people take after a few months of training. This I realize, but as a foundation for everything that is to come, I cannot, in good conscience, let their foundations crumble. So I do agree that the expectations and standards for 5th kyu should be different than those for shodan (black belt), but there still absolutely and unequivocally need to be some goal to work toward. 

I'm very proud of my students and the effort that they put toward their tests. I believe that if they hope to gain the tremendous benefits that are to be had through a diligent study of Aikido and martial arts in general then they are on the right path. I'm happy to have been a part of this process, and I hope I can continue to guide them, to assist them, and to rattle their models for many tests to come.